5.26.2006,10:14 AM
God, why be so obscure?
I don't think I got it. My biggest stessor heading over to the interview for the new GA was how fat my ass looked in these stupid pants, if I smelled like cigarette smoke, if words would come out of my mouth in proper logic and order. I also stressed about how my neck and chest would turn all red and spotty as usual as my heart rate increased. One who stresses about such stupid things need not be interviewing with a Buddhist Professor for a position at a center for peace studies. Duh. AND then I was trying to sell myself too hard. I didn't keep things comfy enough. I didn't have any questions for him. I know that it's most likely not mine. He said that he was inundated with applicants for the position. He had narrowed it down to 10 and I was among those 10, but, still, there's this voice in me telling me that the cuter, typical student will get it, regardless of her experience. It's always the cuter, typical student who wins the awards, who gets the awesome internships, who graduates with honors and has her whole family show up at graduation (even aunts and uncles because they can afford to buy extra tickets or others give her their extra tickets because she's so sweet and cool). So, if I don't get knocked off the possibility list regarding my lack of peace studies experience, then it will be because I'm bitter and too old. Imagine, somebody thinking that I'm bitter? Craziness! Won't somebody help me? I don't believe there's a God who answers prayers in any sort of traditional sense, but when I re-entered this stupid little office (the same one I've been entering for almost four years), I was overcome with the urge to pray. I thought "Please, God, just let me get this job so that I can get out of ordering books and away from this old lady gossip ring and do something meaningful and effective, something that will help me hold my head up higher, something that I can do and be at ease with myself, something that serves to better the lives of others, something that can better the world." Was God listening? Need I ask? And we all know that on the slight chance that I do get it, I won't credit "God." I'll tell myself, "Well, hey, I must have some talents and I must have done a good job." I haven't told myself stuff like that in a long time. But then, maybe it wouldn't be really ME telling m
yself such things, maybe ME would really be speaking through GOD and GOD would want me to think such things . . . No matter, I am a pessimist. Until I get a request to fill the spot (which I probably won't), I'm going to move on in my stupid current position just like nothing happened. The good news is that I will have a GA for next year regardless.
And next week serves to be very interesting. Starting Tuesday at 7AM, I will be checking in to the hospital to get my head wired up for 4 nights and 5 days (Video EEG). It's too bad that through all of this, I know that they still won't be able to give me a "why?" - they will only give me a "yes, it's bad" or "nah, it's not that bad." Epilepsy sucks. And with the way it effects my sleep, it makes everything 10X worse. But, there is a good side to next week. I HAVE A WEEK OFF! (sort of) Of course, it's to be spent in a hospitable bed, eating hospital food, unable to bathe, with very limited mobility. No matter. Last night, I took a fourth of my student loan for the summer and bought myself a laptop computer. What more would I need??? The hospital better have wireless internet. Otherwise, I'll be unplugging my phone line . . . And because I'll be bored as hell, I will likely be writing more.
5.25.2006,7:24 AM
Bad Eggs Walk Straight
Geez . . . this little office is the worst. I can't wait to get out of it. It's sad how little hints of racism and snobbery float around like the stench of nasty little farts passed in secret. Yesterday the "presentation" for the new computer software that I suggested was pure hell. Trying to get these ladies to comprehend the fact that they can have their database on a server and never again have to back up on a stupid little zip disk is futile. Worse yet, I had to go out to lunch with them. I wanted to order a big, fat taco salad and a beer, but was pressured into getting soup and salad and a water (with lemon). They went on and on: "Oh my, after eating that donut! I couldn't eat much! Oh, and the soup sounds so good! I'll just have a small salad with it . . . Maybe I could just have half a salad . . . " I wanted to gag and puke on their strappy sandals. The shit is really gonna' hit the fan if I get this new GA in the Fall and leave them to figure out the new software all by themselves. I'm expected to do twice as much work as everybody else and get paid the least. I have certainly been getting the least amount of recognition, unless of course something goes wrong or there arises something behind their computer screens that they don't understand. They are absolutely techno-illiterate, narrow-minded, shallow baby-boomer ladies who never let themselves go long enough during the 60's to even sniff the pot in passing or even put a flower in their hair (they were likely still sporting bee-hives). Biggest concerns = shopping, appearances, occasionally the weather, spending money shopping, and did I say shoppping? I've likely already bitched once or twice about all of this. Lately, with an interview for the new GA, the weight at this job has been weighing more heavily on my mind. I'm trying to figure out how to address my want for "new experience" without sounding like I'm "ungrateful" of my present location or narrow-minded myself. I'm not conceited anywhere else but here (most the time). More often, I'm insecure and worried about what people will think of me. Just like yesterday at lunch. It's not unusal for me to eat what I really want to eat and just let the side glances roll over me with little concern. But, then, it's not unusal for me to get really sick of those little side glances and the intuitive awareness that they will make a comment and giggle to each other behind their hands later once I'm gone about the fact that my ass is destined to continue to widen if I keep eating whatever I want. Then they'll say something that sounds smarter, like their concern is genuine, like "It's really better for health not to eat that way." I know this because they have shared the exact same type comments about other people with me. And, for four years now, I have listened to comments like this. I've listed to them describe other teachers, making side notes like "she's black" or "she's the heavy one," when such comments serve no illustrative purpose whatsoever. So, tomorrow, when I go in for the interview at the other, smaller office where I will be doing more "academically" minded things (research!) I will try not to sound too desperate, but I am going to do my best to convince the man that I would be of the upmost benefit to all of his efforts and goals. As far as this little office goes, I could care less. They shouldn't have put all of their eggs in one basket - especially when, at any minute, that egg is ready to walk out the door for good.
5.22.2006,12:06 PM
Hikin' nowhere really.
Craziness, Craziness, Craziness . . . I wish that had a few more things under control. I'm sitting here at this stupid desk where I should be ordering books, etc. and I'd rather just surf or write. I'd rather sit here and daydream. I couldn't possibly be as organized as these women who surround me. They squeeze so much into their days. So much shopping. So much planning. So much primping and obsessing.
Where are my paints? Why can't I write?
For once, on this Monday, I am grateful that I will be walking across campus to attend class. Sure, it's not all that warm . . . but I'm not quite ready to go straight home to stare at the dirty laundry and contemplate what the hell it is that I'm going to do about supper.
Matt suggested this weekend that when we retire (ack!) we go and hike the Appalachin Trail from Alabama to Main. I could've jumped up and down. No, we're nowhere near retirement, but maybe I can get him started "training" and then, with a goal in his mind, he'll be a little more givable. I have to be careful to let it remain his idea. If I start pushing it, he'll rebel.
5.21.2006,9:32 PM
attempting something
Well, looks like I haven't found much time to write aside from the weekends. This weekend was Matt's birthday. It started out chilly and cloudy but it turned out beautiful. A chill hung in the air but the sunshine kept it at bay. I am solar powered.
I'm figuring out a few things. I'm going to interview for another GA position on Friday. I've been working my ass off at work (hence the reason why I haven't been writing at work) and I'm quite sick of it. I'm quite sick of being surrounded by idiots. Worse - idiot women.
I went to the The Da Vinci Code on Friday. I won't explain the circumstance with seeing the movie because it was more than a little odd. But, although the movie upheld some interesting concepts I was quite frustrated by the fact that it upheld the concepts but moved on in typical American Male-Supremo fashion. The woman in the movie was weak (for the most part) and cute. The man was intelligent and suave (or so was the attempt - Tom Hanks failed miserably at pulling off the part of a professor - even with the long hair - it looked like he was TRYING to grow a ponytail . . . ).
I'll get back into this writing thing eventually. I guess summer time is to blame. I know it's for my own good. Right now, I want to go to bed.
5.13.2006,6:56 AM
Negative Spirits at work and in my sleep - where's a good priest when you need one?
Well, it's a shitty, rainy weekend. It is the last weekend of my "summer vacation." Come Monday, I have to start attending class - and it will be a long and hard class. I worked my ass off at the little library - cataloging, wrapping, labeling, ordering, trying to teach them how to use a computer. Now, I slip work back into 2nd priority mode. Last night, Matt and I just kinda' lazed around. We watched 8 or 9 straight episodes of The Ultimate Coyote Ugly hoping to get emotionally attached to any one of the chicks, but it never happened. Then, I sort of passed out on the couch and Matt got up and picked up the baby's toys and did the dishes. It was wonderful. Now, this morning, the dishes are all done and they aren't staring at me as my first big feat to tackle on my Saturday. I did have to drag myself out of bed before 9AM because I have to go pick up one of my daughters from a slumber party. BUT I'm telling myself that my bigger reason is because I am going to work on my resume and an ap letter for another GA that popped up in my inbox this week. I struggled with this decision all week - to do or not to do? I don't want to piss anybody off where I'm at now. They've used me for three years, bought me birthday cakes and cheesy little gifts, on occasion made me go out to lunch with them. They would give me good references I think - as of now. But, then again, the minute I tell them I am going somewhere else, they'll start sneering at me behind my back like little 6th grade snobs. This morning the word "negative spirits" occurred to me before I even crawled out of bed. In this little library, I am haunted by their negative spirits. What's more is that the other GA is at the Center for Global Studies and Peace on campus. Matt keeps telling me that I need more experience in other places. He is right. This GA would make me do research. Eek. But, I guess I am a graduate student and should have a little more practice at it. There's more that I could bitch about when it comes to the job, but I've been bitching about it for years. Anymore, it just flat out exhausts me. I've had the job of five people on my shoulders all BEFORE I talked them into making me a GA (AND they didn't even have to pay my tuition this year; the college did). I've been accounting, purchasing, cataloging, assistant, web developer . . . and I've been part-time with no benefits. Matt keeps saying that if they appreciated me and all that I do so much, they would have found a way to make me full time. I guess he's right. But, I feel bad only because my "Coordinator" is so stupid - far from tech savvy and no innovation or insight. I tell myself on occasion that the little library will fall apart without me. But, then, perhaps it is a waste of state money (considering the people they've put in charge) and it should. Anyway, I'm trying for the other GA. I don't know if I have what they want, but I'm damn sure going to try to sell myself in light of my life experience. The negative spirits have drained me of all that I can allow.
Meanwhile, I got my grades - 2 A's and B. The B was in the horrible interpersonal romantic relationships communications course, but given the grade that I received on my final paper, I was lucky to get that. Thr prof raved about my writing but then stabbed me repeatedly for disorganization and rambling (what? me ramble!?). I've got to remember that this department is a little out of my element. This summer, I have yet to make any plans as to what I am doing. All week, when I was home, I was either playing Luxor on the computer (that little game with the snake trail of multi-colored balls) or I was sitting on my couch corner.
The apartment that we applied for seem to have fallen through - at least they have put us off with an answer for so long that we'd rather say "to hell with it." So, now the house is staring back at me with all of it's junked up corners and its leaky roof (on this rainy weekend), and I know that I need to do some cleaning. The hard part is that I need to find some energy.
I think that I've still been having seizures in my sleep - not the grand mals but ones that keep from sleeping well. I can't wait until my sleep study at the end of this month. Maybe they'll discover what the hell is wrong with my brain, help me sleep, and grant me energy.
5.07.2006,8:45 PM
Auras, baby bunnies, ex's -- wounds abound.
What an odd weekend. It's been filled with "auras" and odd moments in which I seem to lose touch with reality. I am guessing that it's a brain wave/PMS thing. Hormones are always playing with the brain. Last night, I spaced out a couple of times. This is all new, being as I've switched meds. I'm trying not to worry about it too much, but I've had more than my share.
Regardless, today was nice, for the most part. It was beautiful outside. We had all of the kids (Matt's and mine!) and we trekked over to Mamaw's for Sunday dinner. It was like bringing in the circus. But it was (of course) an awesome dinner. Everyone was in fairly good behavior. Matt got a kink in his shoulder and was ready to leave early. We came home and Justin mowed the yard with the push mower (loaned to us from GrandDad being as ours killed over). He scared out a baby rabbit from its nest in the grass next to the clothesline pole. It was a tiny, adorable little thing. We looked up on the internet what to do and were informed to leave the baby bunny out by its nest and Momma bunny would come back at nightfall to get him back in. I told the kids to do this, but of course they couldn't leave him alone. They went back out to check on the thing and while they were hanging around the nest, five or six more baby bunnies hopped out and scattered around the yard. This wouldn't have been so bad aside from the fact that my oldest (and most sensitive) daughter accidently stepped on one. It was horrible. They came running in to me. She held it her hands. It was still alive, but one of its little eyes was bleeding. She was highly traumatized. She couldn't stop crying - understandably so. I had to make her put it (and the others) back in the nest. She didn't want to leave it to die. I assured her that Momma bunny would come back and lick it back to health once it got dark. Of course, we all knew that it would probably die. But I tried to convince her otherwise. Later, at dusk, Momma bunny did come back and I pointed it out to her. This seemed to make her feel better. This will certainly be something that she'll remember for always. I hated it. I wish we could have taken it to a vet and kept it, but then a vet would've laughed at us. Now, I can only hope that my daughter doesn't find the little guy shoved out of the nest and lying dead in a heap in the days to come.
Meanwhile, we're anxious about the apartment. And the more of a possibility that it becomes, the more I am liking my house. The landlord still hasn't been by to pick up the rent and our checking account is steadily dwindling. We are lower, moneywise, than we have been in a long time. It was my dental work and the brakes on the van that put us in the hole. I have a stack of bills waiting to be mailed. There's more. My sister's ex - the father of her first two children - keeps calling me trying to get me to give him my sister's phone number so that he can get the kids' SS#'s to file for disability. He's never paid her a dime of support. I quit answering the phone. The last phone call that I got, however, was from my son once he was back with asshole. He tells me, in his typical - in the presence of asshole - voice, that he had homework to do this weekend that he didn't tell me about. Surprise. All he wanted to do all weekend was play video games. I had asked him about homework, but he insisted that he didn't have any. I guess he's grounded for next weekend. I wish that he would become a little more self-concerned. He might be willing to do so, if asshole wasn't in his business 24- 7, thinking that he had to direct his every move.
On a lighter note, I've been e-mailing an "e-word" buddy and it's made me feel much better, less of a wierdo.
I'm thinking that I'll be hiding this blog because I keep blurting out the highly personal stuff and I want to write more because this has seemingly taken the place of my journal. I'm not sure that a blog is supposed to be like this . . . I keep wondering if someone isn't going to stumble upon it and say "hey! I know you!" We'll see . . . I'll ponder the issue in my sleep. It's been a long weekend. And Monday is coming.
5.04.2006,11:35 AM
Wednesday = Crazy Day
My dentisit appointment was pure hell. I spent 3 hrs in there and came out with the entire left side of my head numb, including the left side of my nose and up to my left eyeball. I had an intensive cleaning on the left side of my mouth and then I had about 5 cavities filled one after another. Next week, I go in to do the right side. I should have done this a long time ago, so now, I am suffering the consequences. The dentist appointment left me feeling so shitty that I went ahead and called my prof for the COMM class. I explained my horrific dental experience (as best as I could with only one side of my mouth functioning) and she easily gave me a pass to stay home and nap. I crawled on the couch and snoozed instead of making the drive into school and having to listen to all of those dorks talk about their proposals. It was very nice . . . and by the time I woke up, my face was almost back to normal.
It was Matt who woke me up from my nap. He had left work early and found his way to the doctor's office because his knee was killing him. The doctor sent him to an optomitrist in Anderson because his eyes were all red. Turns out that his red eyes and all of his pain may very well be symptoms of Rheumatoid arthritus. We're not sure of this just yet, but we both think it's likely. I'm saddened by it because I really hate to think that we won't be able to take long walks or hikes anymore without him crippling over in agony. I really don't know a whole lot about rheumatoid arthritus, but I know that it's all degenerative. I know that Matt's only 35. We're having way too many health problems to be so young. I guess maybe we should stop smoking and eating like idiots, maybe get some excercise every now and then . . .
From my comfy spot on the couch, I made a call to the apartment complex out by the interstate. I just wanted to ask about the waiting list and rent costs. Surprisingly, the girl tells me that she has an apartment available and asks if we would like to see it. She says that under normal circumstances she wouldn't have one, but that morning, a woman had cancelled the hold that she had on one on the day she was to move in. The girl says, if you want it, you should jump on it because it will go fast. She asks us how soon we can be out there and, despite the fact that we both felt like shit and really didn't want to go anywhere, I say "a few minutes." We get there to look at the thing. It's nice enough. The location of the one that we would get is set back away from the others on a corner. The front door opens up to a playground. The windows look out over a cornfield (and at a refrigeration factory of some sort in the distance but nothing too repulsive). There is no apartment above us. If I could've chosen one, this would've been it. The biggest loss of space would be for the kids. Matt and I would gain a much larger bedroom and our own bathroom. So, call us crazy, but we put a hold on it for $150. I am hoping that we can get moved out of this house before having to pay another month's rent. That would mean that we're moving all Memorial Day weekend. We've lived in our house for almost 4 years. I think the landlord would really like to sell it. We have really accumulated a lot of junk - a lot of junk that will not fit into this apartment. The Goodwill is going to love us in the weeks to come. I am struggling with the whole idea and I keep thinking we're going to regret it. We have such nice memories of sitting around our fire pit in the back yard, looking across the cornfield or gazing up at the stars. We have some nice memories of setting up the volleyball net out back or throwing out an inflatable pool for the kids to swim in. Then again, the apartment complex DOES have its own swimming pool. And there's still a cornfield behind us - a new one to traipse across I suppose. The weeks to come are going to be crazy as hell. Thank god I have all of my school work done for now. I wonder when I will have myself talked into this idea. I think it will be a good social move for us. Maybe we can have neighbors that we could actually become friends with.
5.03.2006,6:29 AM
*adhere my thinking (re)cap
I skipped another day, didn't I? One has to wonder of my dedication. One should be in wonderment, however, at how much can happen in one day. Yesterday was a long one that lasted from 4:30AM to 2:00AM. Work was typical aside from the drive and dealing with my omnipresent brake light and the fact that the pedal was going all the way to the floor. On the drive home, I wound my way up and down sidestreets and one-ways trying to make my way to the hospital for an appointment with an ultrasound technician. When I got there she ultrasounded my irregular thyroid. On the way home, I dropped off my van for repairs and mourned at the certainty that it was going to cost us enough to make our bills late (again). When Matt got home, we talked of getting out of this moldy old house and moving into an apartment where we wouldn't have to worry about leaky roofs, rusty weel water, and a lawn to mow (though I do love my backyard). Then, while I made us all omelettes I cried to him (in a pathetic manner, I might add) about how much I needed him. I pissed him off initially as I knew I would. But, after a long uncontrolled spew of all that I do and worry about every day, he came around. I took my oldest daughter to the store for new shoes and a pair of jeans. Her toes were popping out of her old shoes and she kept wearing the same pair of ugly jeans over and over, every day if she could get away with it. While I was gone, Matt changed the lightbulb in the bathroom and started a new load of laundry (this morning, he laid out his suit for the cleaners without my reminder). Last night, I spoke for a half-hour with my sister on the phone. I was thankful that the subject of religion never popped up as it usually does. Instead, we talked about her painting her kitchen, us getting an apartment, our cousin's lack of a sex life, her getting the pool ready for summer. It was nice. Then, I stayed up until 2AM writing on my final paper for the paper. I added to the manifesto that I wrote for Poetry. I think that it's pretty good, but we'll see what "gaps" I'll need to fill. I have a long list of books and articles that need to be read to expand upon my notions. I received an e-mail from a friend that I've made on epilepsy.com. I had worried that perhaps I'd misjudged her character and pissed her off when I mentioned the ill-effects of kharma in my last response. She hadn't written back in a while. Her e-mail made me realize how good I've got it. She's taking her medication and still having seizures - daytime, nighttime . . . She's going to be having a nerve stimulator placed in her brain. I won't be able to relate to the experience (and hopefully never will), but I definitely related to her description of wanting to jump up and brush yourself off after each seizure and pretend like nothing happened, like there's nothing wrong with you. It took her a while to admit that she had epilepsy; she went on referring to hers as "amnestic episodes." I referred to mine as a "sleeping disorder" for the longest time (sometimes I still do). In two weeks, I have my video EEG. She hadn't even heard of one of those; they never needed to study her sleep - she has them all the time. She too has been given the same ole "who knows why?" crap. It's very difficult to just assume that someting is wrong with your brain and there's no reason for it, especially in this day and age.
This morning I have a dentist appointment and then my last COMM class to which I am wearing my most faded jeans and intend to keep my mouth shut. I am excited about getting back home to polish up my paper. The idea of digital poetry within this field and demanding that I get the space to study it, makes me feel so much better about what I'm doing. I do hope, however, that my van is fixed by the time for me to drive to campus. Matt's mother is taking me to my dentist appointment this morning. I want to be on the waiting list for one of those apartments (ah, dishwashing machines, garbage disposals, TWO bathrooms, a maintenance man who arrives when you have a problem -- sounds like stuff we could really use right now).
5.01.2006,11:25 AM
Running On Empty . . .
Everything just kind of flows together as if into a large sewage drain. There are so many things to consider. So many things are cracking up and leaking stench. Where is the poetry when you need it? Instead, I'm stuck at work on a Monday cataloging books and trying to work out my own damn employment contract because my boss is el stupide when it comes to forms and accounting. I just wish that Matt and I could take all of our children and run off to Australia or South America even (Brazil sounds lovely). Somewhere where we could contribute to society and not risk being deported by our exes. Somewhere where our children wouldn't be defined as losers regarding the house that they live in or the name brand on their blue jeans, but where they could put their intelligences to good use rather than memorizing song lyrics or swearing themselves over to the arts of tatoo and body piercing. Not that memorizing songs or having tatoos or body piercings is a bad thing. I love tatoos and body piercings - I don't know if I'm ready to have my 13 year old pierce her bellybutton or her nose. And I always thought of getting a tattoo as a damn big committment - you have to look at that thing for the rest of your life. Geez, her little act of self-mutilization has scared me shitless. There's a lot of parenting teenagers that I'm not ready for. I barely feel out of teenagerhood myself sometimes (although lord knows I look the part - aside from this blond hair). Today, I'm stressing about getting paid for the summer. I'm stressing about my schedule for next Fall. I'm stressing about my children (all of them). I would love to write something funny today, just because. But it isn't coming up. I had enough trouble trying to get to sleep last night. It's to write about myself here because I'm far from the top of my own priority list right now . . .
yself such things, maybe ME would really be speaking through GOD and GOD would want me to think such things . . . No matter, I am a pessimist. Until I get a request to fill the spot (which I probably won't), I'm going to move on in my stupid current position just like nothing happened. The good news is that I will have a GA for next year regardless.
